My faves

Everyone's got a list. Here's mine. In no order with no particular set number. Horror movies, of course.
1. New Moon - Sure, I know I lose some street cred for my Twi-Hardness. But I like what I like. I know many do not consider this horror. Really? Vampires? Werewolves? Um, ok. I liked it. It's supernatural. Nuff said.
2. Drag Me To Hell - Many dissed this film for its lack of gore and general scariness. I enjoyed it because it made me think. Ambiguous enough to keep me guessing, but concrete enough to keep me on track. Saw it a few times in the theater, and that says something.
3. Trick R Treat - Filmed with a pre-True Blood, Anna Paquin annoyed me very little in this awesome flick. For one, she didn't have a southern accent. And for two, well, I won't give it away, but she KICKS ASS! This movie is a little gem. Loved it. Unfortunately, it did not have theater release, but I watched it many times on DVD.
4. Deadgirl - This makes the list because I thought about it. A lot. I don't know that I want to sit through it again, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.
5. Thirst - Proof that Koreans know their horror.
6. REC - There is very little wrong with this film. It is solid all the way around. One of the best horror films ever, not just from this year.

Must See Movies - January 2010

A few movies I can't wait to see in January. Typically, crummy movies are released in Jan/Feb. But every now and then a winner squeezes in. Let's hope for that.

1. DAYBREAKERS - I love all things vampire. So I've been looking forward to this for a while. Ethan Hawke and Willem Dafoe, who is just creepy all by himself.
2. LEGION - I am also fascinated with all things apocalyptic, so this is cool. Paul Bettany is bad ass. And that creepy old lady climbing the ceiling? I'm in!
3. DREAD - Featuring none other than Jasper...I mean Jackson Rathbone from Twilight saga fame, this is one Horrorfest movie I can't wait to see. Based on a Clive Barker short story and focused on people's fears. Sounds like a good time!
4. LET ME IN - A remake of one of my all-time favorite vampire movies, Let the Right One In. The original is based on a book by Swedish author John Ajvide Lindqvist. I LOVED the original/book and it's one of the best vamp movies ever. I'm anxiously awaiting this remake.
5. LEAP YEAR - I hate hate hate romantic comedies. But I love the Irish and I love Amy Adams. The only rom-com on the list.
6. ZMD: ZOMBIES OF MASS DESTRUCTION - I think the title alone is worth a viewing, but it's getting good buzz. Zombies seem to be the butt of a lot of horror/comedy movies. Maybe it's because they move so slow. Another Horrorfest entry.
7. THE LOVELY BONES - I do believe the release of this was pushed back, which isn't a good sign. I loved this book. Peter Jackson is in charge. It can't all suck, right?

A few tips: Torture porn and Asian horror are "out". Vampires and vengeance films are "in". If a movie has been shelfed for more than a year, chances are it will please no one.

Why you gotta be a douche?

So the latest word to call people when they are being rude, unkind, cruel, or any other negative word is douche. Douchey douche. Douchemaster. Douche bag, of course. So why are there so many douches? Everyone's gotta be a buzz kill. Everyone's gotta put you down to make themselves feel better. Everyone's gotta let you know what you do wrong, and how they'd do it better. Why? What drives the douche to be a...douche? Low self-esteem? Maybe. Bad childhood? Probably. No friends? Most definitely. But I believe what drives the douche to be a douche above all over factors is jealousy. In this online/plugged in/3G world it's all about who can be the wittiest, who can come up with the clever links, who can stand out. And the douche, crouching in the corner, wants the attention. The douche wants to meat. The douche does whatever it takes to dethrone, even if it's mean. So listen up douches: I know your story. I got your number. Get off my cloud, douche. You ain't gonna rain on me.

What's $ got to do with it?

My mother told me today what my brother's girlfriend will be earning next year as a 2nd year teacher. I will be starting my 14th year of teaching. FOURTEENTH. I have never done anything this long. And after 14 years of service, blood, sweat, tears, emotional exhaustion, countless hoops, and so on, I will be making less than my brother's girlfriend. Not much less, but still. I felt the pang that people must feel when they get passed over for a promotion or raise. My brother's girlfriend has a teaching position less than an hour from me. So you're probably asking, why not just go to that district? I mean, teaching is teaching right? Wrong. I have been at the same school for 7 years. I have a reputation. I opened this campus. I have been instrumental in developing our AP program. I have attended 100's of hours of training to be a better teacher for the students in this area. Going to another district would be tantamount to starting over. I would be the new kid. I wouldn't have the respect that I've worked so hard to earn. I would have to re-establish a reputation and working rapport with teachers, parents and students. Why is there so much difference? The state. Taxes. Complicated things I don't understand, frankly. Why don't I just suck it up and move? For one, I would uprooting my children. Second, I would be uprooting myself, even though I have many friends near my parents. How much inconvenience is $4000-$5000 worth? I just don't know anymore. Why do I even have to make this decision? I knew, from the very start, I would never make a lot of money being a teacher. But when someone with so little experience is actually making more than me, something seems horribly wrong. And it is irritating, maddening, upsetting, saddening. You name it, I've felt it. I will start this year and I will be a great teacher because I truly love what I do and want to be good at it. But year after year of being unrecognized for my efforts is starting to drain me.

Reached the janky limit

Seriously, I have taken an inventory of all the things I have that are janky. And I think I've hit the limit. Here they are, in no particular order.
#1 - The mystery van aka jankmobile aka Sugar Sue aka piece of crap. This is my car. I have to put a gallon of water in the radiator every day to get it to go. Within about 10 miles, she starts to overheat. She'll smoke, sputter, burn oil. When you turn her off, you can hear her hissing. Sweet.
#2 - My laptop power cord. I have to press down on it really hard to get it to work. Occasionally it will go in and out of charging. I wouldn't even notice, except my screen "power saves" when it's not charging. It's enough to give a girl a headache.
#3 - My cell phone. If I want to get on the internet, super! Surfs like a charm. But, after I get on the internet, I have to take the cover off the phone, remove the battery, replace the batter, and turn the phone back on in order to text, receive calls or make calls. Repeat if you go back on the internet.
Yeah, things are broken down and busted. Whatcha gonna do?

New Year's Resolution

School is starting soon. As a teacher, a new school year is like a New Year. How will things be different? What new and exciting changes are in store? I don't like to make resolutions. You feel like crap when you can't keep them. But the beginning of the year is definitely a time for reflection. So reflect I shall. Random memories. In no particular order.
-$1 well drinks, disco music, fabulous friends and dancing until 4am.
-House of Pies cottage fries. So nice it has to rhyme.
-Buying tampons with beer when I was 20 because I was certain no one would card a woman on her period.
-New Year's Eve. Birraporreti's. Pink Champagne. Conga line around an old, gold end table. Nuff said.
-Feeling CERTAIN that every boy, without exception, was the best thing ever.
-Writing every single paper, without exception, the night before it was due. Five pages. Ten pages. Twelve. Whatever.
-Writing papers for friends because I wanted them to go out with me.
-Having a different bar to go to for every night of the week, depending on the specials.
-Learning for the first time that the ducks don't care.
-Seeing movies at the River Oaks and the Bellaire and the Greenway that literally changed my life.
-Waking up throughout the night to feed my children when they were babies.
-Drinking beer, always on a coaster, at the Aquarium.
-Stupid, horrible apartments that were really unsuitable for tenants, being my home.
-Loving to grocery shop because I got to pick exactly what I wanted to eat.
-Buying milk, cereal, and beer only when I went grocery shopping.
-Running the breaks out on all my cars. Again and again.
-Indigo Girls concerts that made me cry.
-My heart being so broken that I couldn't sleep without the phone next to my ear.
-Discovering Bob Dylan.
-Being brave enough to let people know I'm not an idiot.
-Laughing when all I wanted was to cry.
-Walking around the musuem. Writing really horrible poetry inspired by art.
-Reading under the trees, near the fountain, with a flashlight under the covers, everywhere.
-Three pitcher nights.
-Stupid decisions. Worse consequences.
-Only having to do laundry one night a week.
-Falling in love with the wrong person. Over and over and over again.
-Letting go of something important in order to hang on to something more precious.
-$5 lunch specials
-REALLY cheap Taco Bell.
-REALLY good Dr. Pepper at the Taco Bell.
-Having to use public restrooms exclusively because my toilet was broken and the landlord wouldn't fix it.
-One first kiss.

A Few of my Favorite Urban Dictionary Terms

A few of my favorite Urban Dictionary entries:

Making clay - to have a huge dump

"Doh"ment - One of those slap your forehead moments when you realise that you've just done something incredibly stupid.

nom de strip - your stripper name

bro favor - Pronounced like the spanish "por favor", bro favor is an act of goodwill asked of one's "bro" or "homey".

birther - A conspiracy theorist who believes that Barack Obama is ineligible for the Presidency of the United States, based on any number of claims related to his place of birth, birth certificate, favorite birthday, or whether or not he has heard the song Africa by Toto.

cold jerky - The process of suddenly and altogether stopping a perpetual masturbation habit. Can apply to male or female.

pullin' a Palin - Quitting when the going gets tough; abandoning the responsibility entrusted to you by your neighbors for book advances and to make money on the lecture circuit.

Facebrag - To use Facebook as a platform to brag. Normally about a job, internship, trip, purchase or anything else that nobody really needs to know but you'd like to tell everyone because you're awesome.

joke poach - when a joke is said quietly to a friend and that friend repeats it loud enough for the entire room to laugh.

take a digger - Commonly used to describe an ungraceful fall.

Why I Love "Lars and the Real Girl"

I got to see this little gem of a movie when my friend dragged me to it. Well, he didn't really drag me. I love Ryan Gosling. He was genius in Half Nelson. But the premise of this movie seemed very odd. And really, you can't capture the magic of this movie easily. Lars is a dysfunctional man dealing with (or not really dealing with) a sad and tragic past. His brother, who is married and expecting his first child, is more than functional. The attempts to help Lars and get him to be more sociable are all failed. By everyone. In an attempt to deal with his issues, Lars orders a fake woman. A doll. Yep, one of those anatomically correct dolls. But Lars takes her around as if she's real. So what do his family and friends do? They accept her. They go along with the delusion. And as they work through the issues that face Lars, his "girlfriend" Bianca helps to transform the broken Lars. And in the end, he is transformed. Why I love this movie is manifold. First, it shows the pain of the human spirit. Lars's story is heartbreaking, and very easy to identify with - even if you've never ordered a plastic doll to help you deal with your troubles. We are all broken in some way. And the other reason I love this movie is it shows with great tenderness how much we all need each other. We may think we're ok. We may think we're all doing fine. But the fact is, some of us, many of us, are hurting inside. And it's really only through the efforts of the people who love us, and whom we allow ourselves to love, can we be healed. This is what Lars learns. And what the town learns. And what we, as viewers understand. I love this movie because a part of me is Lars. A part of me is his brother. A part of me is his sister-in-law. Hurting, confused, just trying to help. And frankly, a part of me is Bianca, the woman doll. A silent partner in insanity.

Why it's good to know your neighbors

I've lived in my current apartment complex for three years. And in three years, I have not gotten to really know a single neighbor. Now, having watched Rosemary's Baby about 1400 times, I'm a little suspicious of neighbors, and perhaps as not as friendly as I should be. Plus, living in an apartment makes it easy to avoid people. Recently however, I have been dragged out of my isolation thanks to my children. Since it's summer, and it's hot, we've been swimming in the evenings. During the course of our trips, we've made friends with some other parents and children. Friday there was a cook out. We had a blast. Good food, good people. All of us sitting around, enjoying the evening with some good-natured jokes and enjoying the kids. I'm not shy nor am I in any way introverted. But I've always been standoffish with neighbors? Why? Who knows. But I am glad I've...sort of...gotten over it. These people rock!

Social networking sites - A new way to spread misery

You know the cliche. "Misery loves company." Well, misery has found an endless sort of company in social networking web sites. Where better to spread your Debbie Downer crap than Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter? You have a captive audience who feels obligated to read your spew because they are your "friend" or "following" you. I've been actively involved in Facebook for a while now, and honestly, it's been great. I have reconnected with some awesome friends and really enjoy the interactive aspects of the site. But guess what? I got tired of hearing pointless ramblings, pity parties, and other down-trodden crap. So, in a bold move, I unfriended and blocked people who gave me a headache or otherwise made me miserable. Simple really. I went through the list and said, "who has pissed me off or made me feel miserable with their FB crap?" Surprisingly, there were only two. This shows you just how miserable one or two losers can make you. But I thought of it this way: I wouldn't sit at lunch with someone every day who made me miserable. I wouldn't hang out with someone who pissed me off. Why expose myself to that on FB? And I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. FB has been good to me. So for about a week I've been without the two losers and, not surprisingly, FB has become a much more enjoyable place. Go figure. Do some housecleaning. Get rid of the downers. Life's too short and you're better than that. And don't be a downer. That's just janky.

(S)he's Just Not That Into You

(S)He’s just not that into you…
I avoided this book because just the premise pissed me off. In high school, we had a guest speaker who came to talk to us about s-e-x. This guy was a tool. Basically said, “Girls, you have to control yourselves because boys can’t control themselves.” Oh really? What, are they just mindless animals who think of nothing but how to get to a woman? Whatever. Sorry guys, I’m not buying it. The movie came out and I was intrigued. First of all, there are a lot of good actors in it that I really like. Second, it appeared that the movie was a little more open about the plight of ALL single people, not just women. What’s fascinating about this movie, and makes it a little better than the average romantic comedy is that everyone wants what they can’t have. Jennifer Aniston wants to marry the guy who won’t marry her. Scarlett Johannsen wants to be with the guy who is married. Why? According to Justin Long, the “player” of the film: people do what they want to do. And people DON’T do what they don’t want to do. Pretty simple, right? Not so much. For whatever reason we’ve decided we need certain things. A soul mate, a partner, someone to love and who loves us. Sounds great, so why is it so hard? Because of our own delusions. Because of the early lessons learned. Who knows. The good news is that as I get older, it gets easier. And it was a good movie. Very entertaining and fun. But let this be a lesson - people really do what they want to do. And they don’t do what they don’t want to do. So if you are asking yourself “why isn’t (s)he calling? Why doesn’t (s)he want me?” Well, sorry, they just don’t want to. Move on and get happy.

MORE to (not) Love

When I first heard of the show “More to Love” (think the bachelor with fat people) I was very skeptical. Parade the fat girls around to make fun of them. Sure the skinny girls have their bachelor, so give the fat girls a bachelor too. The good news: fat girls are meaner than skinny girls. They have more to fight for, more to fight about. This makes for good reality tv. Fat girls cry a lot. Too much. This also makes for good reality TV. The bad news: fat girls are just as desperate, in fact more desperate, than skinny girls to achieve the so-called fairy tale romance. First problem with the show is along with the usual stats (name, hometown, job) a weight is also listed next to each contestant and the bachelor. Really? Seriously? Why do I need to know EXACTLY how much these people weigh? Frankly, I don’t use scales. Several reasons. I know full well when I gain weight. And if you don’t, you are lying to yourself. I don’t need a scale to tell me I’ve eaten too many honey buns or twinkies in the last month. The bachelor on More to Love is a total cheese ball. He reminds me of this guy I went out with once who had inappropriate comments for everything I said. Example – Joy: “I love going to the movies alone.” Cheese Dude: “You just haven’t met the right guy yet. Or, maybe he’s right in front of you.” And the cynical side of me wonders: wouldn’t he do just fine on a “regular” bachelor show? There’s something about TV cameras that turns women into rabid hounds. You could put this guy on the bachelor, surround him by a bunch of 100 pound twigs, and they’d be selling their grammy upriver to get him to choose her. So here are some basic problems with the show…and I’m not even going to get into the problems I see with these kinds of shows in general. Problem #1 – why does the dude have to be “hefty”? Wanna show something really cool? Have an average size man choosing love from a group of plus size women. Did you think of that? I mean, basically, what you’re selling us is “fat people need love…from other fat people.” Problem #2 – fat women are cranky, unhappy, pathetic, and not much fun to watch. Not that skinny women are much better. But if I heard one more time, “This is my last chance!” I was gonna throw my Little Debbie cake at the TV. Seriously? THIS is your last chance? Honey, call me. We need to talk. At what point did you realize, or decide, a reality TV show bachelor was your last chance at love? Problem #3 – it’s just tacky. It’s tacky to put people’s weight up on a show that isn’t concerned about weight loss. It’s tacky to parade all these overweight people around like they are circus freaks. Here’s the good news: after watching one episode, I am convinced that I am better off than any of these ladies. I don’t go on a reality TV show as my “last chance”. I don’t allow myself to be humiliated by proving my desperation to the world in an attempt to capture one fool. Bottom line: according to this show, fat girls are mean and cry a lot. Fat guys are schmarmy. If you have to say “I’m ok!” to testify you’re not drunk, you’re drunk. I hate to say it, but I may watch this train wreck. Because it reminds me of how well I’m doing.

Adventures of the Jank-Mobile

I am an intelligent person who does stupid, stupid things. Yesterday, I decided that my car knowledge was enough to fix my car (aka jank-mobile), and she was ready to take a long trip, for her, to pick up my best friend from work. All went well for the first ten or so miles. The jank-mobile was riding fine. But, as it often happens, my pride was my fall. I decided that the jank-mobile could handle the a/c. Was I wrong. So what happened? The jank-mobile got hot. Smoking hot. Not in a good way. She had to limp down Hempstead highway, my pushing her too far. By the time the jank-mobile arrived home, she was smoking - literally. My best friend feared she might catch fire. Moral of the story: I'm not a mechanic. I shouldn't play one.